Almost three years ago, I wrote that I’m ready to try something new (see Finding Yourself In Others).
I think I am ready to try something new, and look forward to seeing what it brings. I’m better equipped to handle life than I was during the study years when I was the most lonely in my life.
I also wrote about the importance of having a vision for life and moving towards it (see Well, Now I Know I Want It).
Without a vision, you more or less drift, and it is up to others and chance what you get. […] If you have a vision, you are going somewhere.
The direction is now clear, I have a North Star again. I must start asking myself if my actions are taking me towards it or away from it.
Last summer I wrote about how waiting in life is lunacy, and that I’ve at least made a change now by moving to a new city (see On Waiting).
I have been waiting too much, I have missed a lot of chances due to that. I have been playing the “safe” game, which in the end may turn out not to be that safe.
Waiting is lunacy. Don’t do it.
Now I’m in a transition phase where I have left my old home and some of the connections behind, but haven’t yet built anything new. It’s a time of uncertainty and change, but also of opportunity. To be honest, I’ve still been a bit too attached to the old home because of work, but very soon I will leave the old team behind and start fully working in the new city.
On Loneliness, I reflected on how connections fade:
As people get older, they form relationships, move to different cities or countries, and eventually have children, disappearing into the busyness and complexity of their own lives.
I fear that’ll happen again and I’ll lose these connections that have been important to me. I’m devastated by the change; I love my current team and colleagues. It has been delightful to visit the old city, which still feels like home.
But if that feels like a home, the new city never will.
I must have changed at least a little bit, though. I’ve noticed how silent everything is in the old city. I’m not paying so much attention to the sounds of the new city nor the amount of people around me, so I’m adjusting to the new environment.
Going all in
It has felt safe to live in a new city while still visiting the old one and working with the people there. But it has also been a link keeping me in the past and not forcing me to fully commit to living in the new city.
It is still uncertain if I’ll stay here: I feel like an outsider and I fear I should have moved here 20 years ago to fully integrate. I decided to give it a chance and go all in. If that doesn’t change things in a year or so, I can reconsider and move back to the old city, or try another one.
Struggles
I have not been happy in my new life. Too often I have filled my time with work, and I have not been motivated to form new connections. I wrote about this tendency to withdraw in Losing the Colors:
When you’re overwhelmed by negativity or are too fatigued, you lose your ability to experience the full spectrum of emotions. Life becomes dull and colorless, and you lose the motivation to connect with people or invest in meaningful relationships.
We are social creatures. If you find yourself saying “no” to seeing people often enough for whatever the reason, it may be worth reconsidering your priorities before too many colors slip away.
I’m quite shy and self-conscious around other people, and I will forever remember and feel ashamed of every little mistake or awkward moment I’ve had in social interactions. Connecting with people takes a lot of energy and effort because of that.
Combine that with my tendency to fill my time with work and the cycle is complete: I don’t have the energy to connect with people, so I fill my time with work, which makes me even more tired and less motivated to connect with people.
Small wins
It has not been all bad. A colleague of mine invited me to their birthday party, and I had a great time. We seem to really get along, and I hope we’ll stay in touch outside work as well. I also started sharing workouts on Apple Fitness with another colleague, and I hope we manage to connect outside work too.
I’ve been on two dates during the last few months. Both have been fun, but I have not felt a spark with either of them. I think at least one of them was interested, so I have some hope I’m not completely lost yet. I know I wrote earlier that I know what I want, but I don’t think I’m fully there yet, and I might not be ready to fully commit to a relationship yet.
I need to focus on work and myself first, even though it can feel lonely.