Well, Now I Know I Want It
After my last breakup, I’ve been taking time to reflect on what I actually want — the kinds of relationships I long for, what kind of partnership I’d truly value, and how I want to live (alone, together, or somewhere in between). I’m not sure I’ve figured out much, except this: relationships - and building them - are hard.
The human mind is wild. Forty years of life still hasn’t protected me from the emotional hurricane of falling for someone. And I did; embarrassingly fast, based solely on messages, photos and one walk. There was something about this person that resonated with me, intellectually and romantically. They had achieved things I instantly admired. My mind spun a vision of a new life — one that felt exciting, meaningful, and worth chasing, and involved this person.
In the end, they weren’t as interested in me (note to self: stop falling so damn fast, I really don’t blame them). Still, something has shifted in me. I think I know what I want now. I’m not sure if I should thank them or curse them for that, because what I want feels like a lot. I don’t know if I can still reach it, or if I’m now just stuck wanting something that doesn’t really exist for me anymore. Wanting a certain life in your 20s is different than wanting it in your 40s. At some point you just run out of time and steam.
Without a vision you more or less drift, and it is up to others and chance what you get. It is the same in your career and in your personal life: If you have a vision, you are going somewhere. The vision does not need to be perfect, but pursuing to make something of yourself seems to be worthwhile by itself (liberally adapted from You and Your Research by Hamming). At least you are better prepared when you meet the right person (luck is when preparation meets opportunity), I really think I wasn’t prepared to meet this person right now.
So, thank you, Iina, for making me remember this.
Of course, there’s always the risk that I just got caught up in someone else’s life - that I saw something beautiful and made it my own. But I don’t think that’s the whole story. I’ve wanted something like this before. I just haven’t really been ready, and maybe I haven’t been serious enough. This is the latest iteration of what I have always wanted for my life.
What I Want
I want a long-term, monogamous relationship. One where I actively take responsibility for the relationship’s wellbeing, and where I don’t just wait to see how long it lasts — I work to make sure it has a running chance.
I want a partner who feels like an equal - someone we can lift each other up with. Someone who’s there, no matter what the world throws at us. Someone who’s my first priority — and for whom I am theirs.
I want to build a shared history. Our own traditions. Our holidays. Our routines.
I want all of this without either of us losing ourselves. Without it feeling like a sacrifice. I don’t want to limit anyone: I want them to give the life their best shot knowing I got their back.
Why should a relationship last? Length is not a value by itself. But once you get older, you start to value shared history. When you breakup with someone, you lose contact to history with that person. All the shared anniversaries, insider jokes, silly little things only you know. Suddenly your brain is full of silly little things that are not connected to anything real anymore. You can’t relive them with someone sharing the same experience.
Losing that is a lot.
Who I Need to Be
To be someone who could truly attract a person like that, I know I need to grow. I need to be more interesting. More emotionally grounded. I need to find joy again — in life, in what I do — and learn to show that joy outwardly. I’m not done learning. I want to discover a new perspective on what my life’s work could be — and move toward it, with intention.
The truth is: I haven’t taken enough responsibility for the quality of my relationships, be it romantic, platonic, or professional.
The direction is now clear, I have a North Star again. I must start asking myself if my actions are taking me towards it or away from it.
Ps. Read more about responsibility in my text You ran out of people.