On Loneliness

I’ve always been a fairly withdrawn person, not someone who naturally gravitates toward others: I gravitate towards a peaceful observation post. There are only a few people in my life I consider good friends — I don’t bother much with casual acquaintances, which also means I rarely form new close friendships. And over time, even the connections with previous good friends can weaken. As people get older, they form relationships, move to different cities or countries, and eventually have children, disappearing into the busyness and complexity of their own lives.

So, my choices — and the kind of person I am — have led me to experience loneliness at different times in my life. At its worst, loneliness is a state that feels like physical pain. It’s something one feels in their gut, similar to intense nervousness, but more all-encompassing and draining rather than energizing. In those moments, life feels detached from the world, and time seems to slip by meaninglessly: does life happen if no-one is there to witness?

Research is quite clear that loneliness and a lack of human connection are bad for us — they even cause physical illness. Lonely people live shorter lives and are generally unhappier. ^[Impact on loneliness on life and health expectancy] I do my best to take care of my health and “live smart,” so why haven’t I eliminated loneliness from my life?

Introspection is sometimes difficult, it’s hard to evaluate yourself. I think my childhood affected me in a way that makes it hard for me to form friendships, and at the same time, I have a tendency to retreat into the comfort zone of solitude. Socializing can sometimes feel draining — perhaps partly due to my introverted nature, but probably more due to my insecurities.

My parents divorced when I was young, and I moved several times as a child. That disrupted my social circles, and old friendships often faded away. I’m currently not in touch with any of my childhood friends — not even the ones from high school. I don’t know if that’s typical or not.

I’m afraid that I’m unpleasant company, or that I might force myself into the life of people who are too polite to tell me they don’t want me around. So I wait for invitations, and even then I analyze the wording: is the invite genuine or just a polite formality they don’t expect me to accept? Objectively, I think that’s pretty silly — but that’s how my mind works. And it leads to loneliness.

Altering the experience

I have a tendency to dwell on problems and focus on what I lack. But then, how does one reduce the feeling of loneliness?

Well, I clearly don’t know, but it seems logical that the key is to create more situations where I can be around potential friends — and in those moments, to focus on being good company and making others feel good.

Creating opportunities

The first step feels a lot harder: it requires entering other people’s space. It’s about, in a way, asking for their time and attention. Maybe it would help to apply the same mindset as when asking for help at work. When you ask for help, you’re not burdening a colleague — you’re offering them a chance to help you, which can actually make them feel useful and good.

So when I reach out to people, I’m offering them the opportunity to spend time with me. That should be a positive thing, and if it’s not, maybe we’re just not compatible as friends. Of course, people won’t always have the time, quite the opposite, but the offer should still be more positive than negative.

Enjoying the moments

Naturally, it’s also important to be a good friend and to try to make people enjoy being around me. To take responsibility for the quality of the relationship. I’m not entirely sure what that ultimately means. I do try to be considerate, to ask about people’s lives, and to help however I can. I’m not particularly good at organizing activities, but maybe I should think about whether I could also offer shared experiences to the people in my life. It’s well known that shared experiences bring people closer and help form friendships.

I’d like to believe I’m already decent company, but maybe I could be more intentional about varying the kinds of things I do with people.

Now I have the whole year time to make changes in my network so that I might spend the next midsummer with people I enjoy spending time with. Making it a proper goal might be a bit too much. Or would it? Having a clear goal makes it possible to fail.