Losing the Colors
Spoiler warning! This reveals some events from the Robin Hobb books.
I recently re-listened (yet again) Fool’s Fate by Robin Hobb and was struck by how powerfully it captures the experience of depression - or perhaps burnout - through Fitz’s journey, particularly when he reclaims the memories he once surrendered to the stone dragon.
This text may not make any sense, if you have not read the books.
For context: In Hobb’s world, certain creatures made of magical stone can be brought to life by someone who vields a special magic called the Skill. This process involves giving up one’s memories - and with them, the emotional experiences that shaped those memories - in order to shape the stone and finally to awaken the stone figure.
At one point, Fitz, the protagonist, discovers an unfinished stone dragon that was never fully “brought to life” because the Skill coterie that worked on it didn’t give it enough of themselves. In an attempt to complete it, Fitz surrenders his most painful memories - loss, abandonment, and tornment, thus easing his own suffering. What he doesn’t realize at the time is that by giving away those negative emotions, he also numbs himself to joy and connection. Without the “lows”, the “highs” disappear too. Fitz becomes emotionally muted, which causes him to live his life mechanically isolated from others.
This explains a subtle point in the books: why, after all the heroism of the first trilogy, Fitz chooses to live in solitude apart from friends and loved ones. His emotional spark has been dulled.
Finally, at the end of Fool’s Fate, Fitz meets the stone dragon once more, and it returns those painful memories and accompanying emotions back to him. The weight is crushing at first, but suddenly the world becomes vivid again. By reclaiming the full spectrum of feeling, both heartbreak and love, he is ready to reconnect with the people he had been avoiding for over a decade.
In many ways, I feel this mirrors the experience of depression or burnout—or at least how I imagine they might feel. When you’re overwhelmed by negativity or are too fatigued, you lose your ability to experience the full spectrum of emotions. Life becomes dull and colorless, and you lose the motivation to connect with people or invest in meaningful relationships. Like Fitz, regaining those lost feelings ultimately restore your sense of vitality and allow you to engage with the world again.
Many things in life, like work in the case of a burnout, can be the “stone dragon” to which you pour too much of yourself, leaving you drained and numb. Unfortunately, like Fitz, we are often unable to detect that by ourselves, and getting back to who you truly are may not be easy.
Being aware of your mental state is challenging. Fighter pilots train for hypoxia because it’s a relatively common issue that’s also notoriously difficult to detect, even under controlled conditions. Likewise, when a situation becomes so demanding that your mental capacity is stretched thin, you lose peripheral awareness and become unable to respond to new demands. Training helps pilots decide which functions to “shut down” so they can focus on the most critical matters.
How do you notice that the colors of your world are fading—or that some of those colors have disappeared entirely? Burnout often causes you to withdraw so you can soldier on in isolation, which feels practical but can backfire if your work depends on collaboration. The longer you isolate yourself, the more the situation worsens in the long run, creating a negative cycle. Other people might be able to notice something is wrong with you when you can’t yourself, but not if they can’t interact with you.
We are social creatures. If you find yourself saying “no” to seeing people often enough for whatever the reason, it may be worth reconsidering your priorities before too many colors slip away–or to reclaim those already lost.