It’s midsummer again, and this time I’m not going to be spending it quite so much on my own. Last year I went to Helsinki alone to skate around. It was fun, because the city is so empty during that time. It was lonely as well, and I’ve been wondering if that should have been a warning sign that I should not move to Helsinki. Well, I did it anyway. Back then I was reflecting on loneliness and made a goal of expanding my network enough that I could spend the next midsummer with people I like (read more about it here). I’m on my way to doing just that, and I’m happy about it.
It’s weird being so insecure that I need to be thinking if I have imposed my company on others too much, but I hope I’m good enough company so that people genuinely like spending time with me. I do try to be worth the time.
At the same time, I should probably take the evidence seriously. People have invited me to things. People have kept showing up. Some people seem to genuinely enjoy my company, even if I find it hard to believe on a bad day. Maybe the bigger issue is not that I am unwanted, but that my moodiness, possibly caused by some kind of depression, makes it difficult for me to feel worthy consistently.
Now I will be spending midsummer with people I like, and I’m really happy about it. It does not mean they are new people, but I have also expanded my network a bit I think. We got along with one of my old team mates so well that I think we are friends now. I got an invitation to their birthday party and attended it as well, and I might get to visit their summer cottage this summer. It is weird how you just connect with some people effortlessly, and with some people it feels like a struggle all the time.
I have still continued with the reading circle and we just had our fourth meeting, spanning 3 hours of discussion. That has been a small occasional delight and I’m still surprised it has not died off. I like the experience: you can always first discuss the book, but then you can also continue discussing other topics if it feels like it.
I have been spending one night a week at my new office trying to socialise with people there. I’ve often been too tired to really try, but I have hung around nevertheless, so at least some people already remember my name. :D Great success. But I’ve really enjoyed many of the nights and discussions, and I click with some of the people there in a way that makes me think there is some chance of friendship.
Even though I have not been happy with my life, I think I need to consider this objective from last year a success: I have expanded my network and I’m spending the midsummer with people I like. Maybe the work now is learning to notice that as something real, even when my mood is trying to argue otherwise.
That’s quite enough.